Sex, yep I said that little three letter word that makes some people blush, and others get a hot flash. Growing up we did not talk about sex, I don’t actually remember even having “the talk”. You know the one about the birds and the bees.
I think it was normal for my generation or at least the small town I grew up in, though. I had to learn about it from a really dated movie we watched at school that was more about hygiene, girls needing to dress a certain way to look pretty for the boys but not slutty and for boys to be all that and a bag of potato chips in order to attract the right girl.
I had my first sexual experience with my boyfriend when I was 17 and when I left home at 19 I was free to explore and have fun. Then I met the man who was going to be my husband and that it was it. I had sex with the same person for nearly 30 years. It was good and fun and exciting, then we had kids and things changed.
I know that when we have children the intimacy between parents changes because our lives have changed. We are busy trying to make sure two little people stay alive, we work long hours and by the time those little people are in bed we still have to clean up the house, maybe do the dishes and after spending a few minutes catching up with adult conversations we are too freaking tired to even think about sex.
The good news is that does not last forever, as the kids grow and eventually leave home we learn to reconnect and enjoy sex again. It’s different though, not as exciting as when we were newlyweds, lets face it we are 20 years older and the stamina may not be quite the same as when we were in our 20’s. But it’s good and if we are lucky the romance and intimacy comes back and sex becomes part of our lives again.
But what happens if you find yourself suddenly single in your mid 50's? Is sex even something that is important to you anymore, do you ask yourself if you are even allowed to have sex? Who are you going to do it with? Where are you going to meet this person? So many questions! I know because I asked myself all of them and more when I found myself single after nearly 30 years of being with the same person.
Initially I told myself I was never going to date again, sex was not important I didn’t need it any more. I was a single middle aged woman with a few extra pounds and trying to learn who I was so sex and dating was not something I thought I had time for. Well that idea lasted
for about 6 months.
On the journey to discovering myself I also discovered that I wanted to have sex again, I wanted to have hot messy sex with someone who could make me forget about my past. So I started online dating. Why? Because I honestly did not know where to meet anyone. I didn’t go to church, I was only involved in groups that were all women and I wasn’t the type to go to a bar on my own, (I’m still not by the way).
I also had to learn to get over the belief that women my age weren’t supposed to enjoy sex, weren’t supposed to want to spend an afternoon in bed exploring each other and getting all sweaty together. Women my age don’t do that!
Well guess what my friends, yes we do. As humans we are sexual beings, we crave personal and intimate touch. We want someone to run his hands through our hair and give it a tug, we want to get sweaty and have mind blowing orgasms. Being in your 50’s doesn’t change that. Sure maybe we can’t go for hours like we did in our 20’s but we can still mess up the sheets and try new things. We can still make someone else see stars.
Don’t let the old stories you told yourself stop you from enjoying this part of your life. If you are not ready to start a new relationship, settle down with one person, then don’t. But don’t stop yourself from meeting those physical needs. It’s ok to meet someone and have a one night stand, if that is what you want. It’s not dirty, it does not make you a slut or dirty. What it does do is give you back power over your body.
I’m not saying you should jump into bed with any Tom Dick or Harry and you should always use protection to stay healthy. But if you meet someone and connect then why not enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with the friend with benefits.
Taking control of your sex life is one step on the path to taking control back of your whole life. Finding yourself suddenly single in your 50’s or 60’s or really at any point in your life can be devastating and it takes time to find your courage to be you again. But once you do, I promise you, you will have a full life with adventures, laughter, joy and when you are ready a sex life that will put a smile on your face that will have people wondering what’s up.
Hope you enjoyed reading. Send me your thoughts, I'd love to hear them!
Peace, Love and Joy,
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